FiRSt eVEr mUsHie pUBLiC PoST

ok, dis might be damn gross to some pple, esp to those who cant take sweet stuff, so juz a caution, if really cannot, den dun read on bah..

today is like the first time i miss THE ONE PERSON so much.. its so strong until i really din wanna do anything.. since she is busy and i am free, i juz chose to nua at home.. nua not becos i want to (most of the time i want de, but not dis time), but becos she is busy and cannot meet me..

perhaps its time i totally understand n feel how she feels.. cos most of the time is i am busy n cannot meet her..

its been a busy and tiring week due to hall orientation.. den sat got match at tampines, den at nite go attend my fren's grandma's wake, to give him wateva little support we can give to him.. sun at first plan shui shui can spend the whole day with her.. den zhun zhun she arranged to meet her frens for badminton in the afternoon, and nite had to come back hall for tribe dinner, to usher them into hall on sun..

the last time met up was like tues, where i had to rush to do my SEP stuff, den rush back to hall to help albert do some hall stuff, so din really tok much.. so add together, is really the whole week nv tok to her much liao.. the physically drain, plus emotional burden is too heavy for me..

being so busy is not like i choose to, but is really cant help it.. and her busy-ness, is aso something out of my control..

being locked in n stuck at home dis afternoon, made me realise how much i really missed her.. and its not juz my free time tat i wanna spend with her.. i wanna spend time with her doing things tat both of us enjoy, yet there is so little we can do together becos of our different commitments.. toking abt being complementary to each other, we r so complementary.. so much so tat we overlap a little too little..

i actually spend alot of time today looking thru the past photos over and over again, and i am so not tired of doing so, over n over again.. the fond memories.. even though when i dun speak of it, cos i hav nv been much of a WORDS kinda guy.. i tink she looks forward to it, but its juz so not me.. mayb tats y she cant feel it totally.. mayb tats y her blog song is tat one.. mayb i am tinking too much.. but mayb its all true, and i am so guilty of it.. and all i can say is "its all my fault, my incapability to balance my time properly.."

y do i always want to do everything and anything?! y cant i realise tat i am not superman, and i really got 24hours a day like everyone else, and i am simply useless and cannot do everything and probably anything well to give her the sense of security and the belief to pull each other closer to the heart?! hai.. those thoughts were depressing for me, and it tagged along with me the whole day..

yes, i can put on a strong front in front of everyone, and fool everyone tat i am the forever cheery and bubbly OGL who got no worries and can bring everyone's spirits up.. i can fool everyone tat i am super onz in hall and tat i can handle my time very well and plan everything shui shui.. but actually i cant fool myself.. i am juz lousy at planning my time and prioritising so wrongly.. i am juz guilty and am really depressed over it..

quiet time with myself, all alone, helps me tink.. and the more i tink abt it, the more useless i know i am..

nonetheless, i still love her, ALOT.. and i will continue to do so..